The Golden Square: Attachment

A series from The Way Through: Trauma Responsive Care for Intellectual and Developmental Disability Professionals (2021, NADD Press, Kingston NY. P. 75-77)

"There are three basic attachment* styles:

Securely attached. This is how most of us experience the world when we are very young. We handle new things with some curiosity, we trust that we and other people are basically good, and we feel relaxed enough when we are around people we love and trust that we can let people get close to us.

"Insecurely attached. This style has two branches: anxious and avoidant. If we didn't get enough repetitions of calm soothing when we were babies, or our environment was chaotic or stressful, we may have become anxiously attached. As adults, we worry we won't get what we need from other people, so we either grab onto anyone who seems like they will be nice to us, or we push people away before they can make our worst fears come true and fail to love or protect us. Surprisingly, a lot of the time we do both. Someone starts to make us feel loved and safe, the way we wanted to feel when we were babies, and we rush into intimacy or trust with them. At the same time, the feelings they give us are so precious that we worry they will be taken away from us. This worry makes us angry and resentful (anger is usually the top layer of hurt or fear). We can't stand how worried we are about losing those good feelings. We may fear we'll be dependent and helpless, powerless without the person who gives us the feelings we crave. So, we get rid of the fear and resentment by pushing that person away or denying the feelings that, deep down, we want and need. Anxiously attached adults can go from 1 to the other state (clingy to angry), confusing themselves and the people around them. It can be hard to have long term romantic or friendly relationships with someone who has this pattern of lurching back and forth, from craving to pushing away.

"Some people spend most of their time at the angry, resentful and of the arc, and they protect themselves by always staying distant—sometimes to the point that they see other people as objects or obstacles, not as fully human. This is the avoidant branch of the insecure style. Manipulators, adults who have difficulty recognizing or caring about the feelings of others, and even sociopaths may have this style of attachment.

"Disorganized. The last kind of attachment is disorganized. This pattern is the rarest, and some people describe it as a combination of anxious and avoidant. Babies who attach in a disorganized way have highly fearful, unpredictable reactions to people. Adults with this style may seem erratic, deeply distrustful of others, volatile, and sometimes show behaviors that can look bizarre. The extreme reactions in people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, for example, may be a result of a disorganized attachment style."

*          Johnson, S. (2005). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection, 2nd ed. New York: Routledge press.